Today like most days has been a day of 2 halts good and bad but one thing that feels very strong stronger than usual Self doubt and worthlessness. Today started so well with the start of my new fiction project being one thing to go in a positives list
because to be honest it had given me writers block as an idea but with the gentle nudge of a close friend and becoming a human muse and has always been and inspiration to me. initially the small me hoping I could get away with being so colourful as an adult. and a little prayer to whomsoever that Id break out of my stuffiness into someone who could be a bit less of a pompous bore. And above all to feel comfortable in myself. Most of this I Can say I have Given a bash at and ach
Most of this I have achieved except comfort dear reader I have never felt quite good enough and self-doubt rules my head and as I’m advancing through life unlike most things it is getting more and more of my brain, and is coming into my writing and is more prevalent in my daily life than ever,
It manifests itself in any way that It can and grips me hard and whilst writing this can see this is somewhat self-absorbed. the truth is I have to do something about it but feeling like I need a soul mate or at least someone who has more similar interests and creative interests would be good.. My brain has stopped finding people attractive because in truth the heart is fragile and the rejection level is at a level is high
My mind really goes through fazes of utter dispar as My inner self reminds me of all my insecurity and fears I came out the closet as it were in 01 and have never had a lasting relationship outside a month and even relations with close friends are not that long in the tooth as years go that i know of..
I Have some brilliant friends I do Some time ago I got compared to glue that was probably a compliment but my brain after some short tome twisted that and reminded me of how Ill never find love with my attitde and looking like something that was put together with spare parts
If undatables gets another series I will get applying